Tornadoes in Ontario destroy more than people's homes.

Last night tornadoes hit south western Ontario. In one city alone 600 houses were damaged and 44 of those homes must now be torn down because they are “unliveable”. Cars were toppled over like they were toys throw about by children. Hundred year old trees fell, taking the power lines with them. Thousands were left without power, some until this morning.

As devastating as this sounds, houses can be rebuilt, cars replaced, trees replanted and power restored. What can’t be brought back is the life of the eleven year old boy who got caught in the wrong place at the wrong time.

When the news first broke that an eleven year old boy had died while taking cover in a forest from the storm, my first thought was, ‘What on earth was this boy doing outside in the forest when the storm reports had been on the news since the morning?’ I couldn’t help but wonder why his parents hadn’t gone out to look for him when the sky started to turn dark and stormy.
While the details are still unclear as to what happened, today the news reported that this boy had been at a day camp when the storm hit. The man who ran towards the dying screams of this little boy to try and help him didn’t seem to know the boy or have anything to do with him.

Where were the people who were supposed to be watching this boy? I know eleven year olds are old enough to wander off a little, but it wasn’t like this storm was a surprise. Sure it’s intensity was a surprise, as were the tornadoes, but there had been thunderstorm warnings all day. Just a few weeks ago a family was struck by lightning from a storm that seemed to be forming in the distance. The little boy in that case is still in the hospital.

I have to ask, didn’t we learn? Who was in charge of this eleven year old? When his parents dropped him off in the morning didn’t they have the right to assume that someone was going to look out for their child? In all of the destruction this death seems so pointless, so preventable.

Warm fuzzies

My cat just licked my leg like it was a salt stick. In between licks I could feel her hot little breath on my ankle. Then I felt her little teeth try to take a little bite. She's so adorable, I love her to bits. I know she would never hurt me which makes it even cutier. She's such a little sweetie. She makes my heart melt.

Starting again.

Can I start again?

Rewind the tape?

There is so much inside me, this energy that is making every bit of my body tingle. So much stuff is pent up inside me I feel like my body is going to start hovering. I’m worried that my pounding heart is going to break through my chest and give me away. I want to vomit all of it onto this page, but there is something blocking it. Something living inside of me is pushing it back down.

Despite the energy coursing through my body I feel fatigued. The strength it takes to keep this pulsing energy from exploding out of me weighs down on my body. It feels like walking around in a pressure tank.

I feel myself falling into a hole, and as hard as I scrambled to get out of it, I just go deeper and deeper. I wonder how I got here. I want to start over, where do I go for the redo? I want to shout out “Rewind the tape! I want to go back!”

And then as soon as it started, suddenly it’s gone. I look around, and wonder what it was all for. There is nothing I would change. No reason to go back. Everything is the way it should be. I feel silly.

Everything is the way it should be.

Blank Page

I can’t find the words, but I want to explain.

My fingers fly over the keys, as the page fills with words,

But just as quickly as they appear I make them disappear.

It isn’t a question of how much I want to share,

But how far back I want to go,

It’s such a complex web of events that brought us here today.

Where do I begin, when the story hasn’t ended yet?

Tomorrow

Do you remember what tomorrow is?

You always forgot what day it was. You always had to be reminded. But I didn’t mind. The day doesn’t mean to me what it means to others. I enjoy the excuse to get together and have good times. That’s all that mattered…and still matters to me.

It’s funny because it was a year ago tomorrow when it all started to end. I knew that the day would probably come, but this day was the day I had to accept it. I had to accept that for you out of sight was out of mind. I wasn’t worth the cost of the phone call.

So many times I needed to hear your voice; I didn’t care what it cost. All I cared about was talking to you. If I had told you how much I cared, would that have made a difference? Would you have cared more? Or was it always too much work for you?

I tried to forget. I really did. I pushed it so far out of my mind I couldn’t remember how it all fell apart. I don’t know what made me do it…look for you. Now your very public life without me has become almost an obsession. I go back and look one or two times a day, sometimes more. I try to make myself stop but I can’t.

Looking into your eyes again reminds me of all that we have lost. And for what? I started to blame myself.

Maybe I was asking for too much. Maybe I should have given you another chance. I had pushed the memories so far back I couldn’t remember. Was it me? I had to know.

I pulled up the letters that led to the final silence. I reread every detail. And then I remembered. I gave you a chance, more than one. But you blamed me. It wasn’t my fault, yet you blamed me. I gave you the key to get back in, but either you didn’t recognize it or you ignored it. That was your last chance. I don’t think we can go back. You proved I wasn’t worth it to you. But if not me, then who is? Who could ever be worth it more than I was?

So here I sit, knowing that I did all I could. Knowing that you didn’t. And I wonder. Will you remember what tomorrow is?

Sidenote: I just realized it was 2 years ago...how time flies...

Reunion of torture

Why do I keep going back? Ever time I look in those eyes the crack in my heart gets wider. It's like you're rubbing your happiness in my face. "See what I can have without you", you smiling face mocks me. The other part of me thinks your being so public because you are waiting for me to comeback, waiting for us to reunite, you want me to keep up so that I don't miss a minute. Deep down, I know that you probably have no idea how public your life has become.

The reunion that may never happen plays over and over again in my mind. Sometimes we forget everything that came between us, and just fall back into the good times. Other times we fight, cry, yell and shout. We let everything go, and put everything on the table. And then there are times when we pass eachother like we didn't see the other. This is how I think it will be.

We got too close, you hurt me too deep. I will always wonder why I wasn't worth it. Why you couldn't muster up the energy to care just a little more. I gave you so many chances, but you just didn't try. Maybe I should have shown you how much I cared, how hard I tried.

At the end of the day, it was me who ended it. I'm the one who walked away. I hoped that you would call me back, run after me. But you didn't. You just got angry and walked away. I doubt you even looked back.

Funny thing is I shed the tears of this moment a year before, knowing that it would come, hoping it wouldn't.

I hate your cat

I feel sleep heavy on my eyelids,
I slowly let myself succumb to the darkness.
Just as my brain is shutting down there is a noise,
A sad cry jerks me from my slumber.
I know you miss her,
So do I.
I reach out to stroke your soft fur,
But you pull away from me.

You run back and forth,
Nails skittering across the hardwood floors.
Your moans fill my room,
I reach out and again,
You pull away from me.

You crawl across my legs.
You cry some more,
I know this is your way of asking,
Where she is.
I reach out to comfort you,
But you pull away from me.

Together we watch the hours pass by,
I drift in and out of a restless slumber,
Your whiskers in my face as you cry for her.
You sound so sad, so lonely, so forgotten,
I know it isn’t my comfort you seek,
But I still try and when I reach out,
You pull away from me.

As the sun begins to rise,
My patience begins to wane.
Where I once felt guilt and sympathy,
I now feel anger and frustration.
You come and nestle up to me,
You search for my hand,
Looking for comfort,
But I pull away from you.