I did it!

When we first moved into our apartment, we bought shelves to put up. The task, as usual fell to me, and I have to admit I was terrified to do it. Finally yesterday I plucked up the courage, and I did it! The first shelf I put in doesn’t feel as sturdy as I would like, but we just won’t put anything heavy on it. I think I made the holes for the anchors a little too big. It comes out from the wall a little.

The thing I’m most worried about is the cat jumping up there with her big bottom and pulling the whole thing down.

Here are some pictures of my handiwork...

This is the first, and very wobbly shelf.

Here are both shelves together.

The second one is a little uneven but I think it’s hard to tell.

No Touching

This skin that has rarely been touched by love,
It trembles whenever someone comes near,
Involuntary spasms shoot up my back and I shudder.
Their finger tips on my skin feel like burning embers,
The pain runs deep from their touch, and I wonder,
Will I ever be able to feel?
Or will I always be numb to touch.

Others don’t understand,
They laugh at me,
Mocking and taunting me.
They think I am cold and cruel,
They think that the unfeeling extends to my heart.
Sometimes in an attempt to help,
But mostly just for their own amusement,
They surround me in an unwanted grasp.
A bear hug not filled with torment,
Meant to make me feel inadequate and awkward.

Sometimes when the loneliness overtakes me,
My body aches for your touch,
The only touch that I crave, the only touch I need.
I dream about running my hands over your soft skin,
Gently squeezing your flesh,
Our bodies radiating heat as we lie curled up together,
Your calm breathing lulling me into a dreamless sleep.

I’ve accepted that this will never happen,
My body will never touch yours,
Your fingers will never run across mine.
I am a prisoner to the fear that cripples me into this life,
Afraid to be exposed and to be vulnerable,
I will remain forever alone.

When I heard about Michael

My reaction to the death of Michael Jackson surprised me. It shocked and upset me more than I would have ever guessed. I was “working” a booth at a baseball game with the new guy at work. We had been standing around chatting about the nothing things you talk about with people you barely know. I got a text message, so I glanced down at it to see what it said. It said, “This is weird. Michael Jackson is dead.” I gasped “Oh my god!” and I must have looked upset because new guy looked at me concerned and said “What’s wrong?” to which I answered, “Michael Jackson is dead.”

His reaction to the news was as surprising as mine. He was clearly shocked and kept asking me how reliable my friend was, and started texting his friends to see if anyone had heard about it. Finally he remembered he had the internet on his phone, so he googled it and sure enough it was true.

For the next couple hours we both started reminiscing about Michael, and what a big part of our childhoods he had been. For me, he was really the first person I recognized as being a musician. I remember watching some sort of biography thing on him and being intrigued.

As I grew up, his music and the bizarre events in his life have always been there in the background. While I enjoy his music, I have never bought any of it, (although my sister has his greatest hits tapes somewhere...). Before this I would have never considered myself a fan. Now I would like to think so.

I’m sure many people will talk about all of the weird things he has done, and the allegations that have been made, but I have decided that I would like to remember him for the good stuff in his life. No matter what his faults were I think he genuinely loved his children, and tried to do what he thought was best. He was after all human.

I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I have both spoken and laughed at many a joke at his expense, but right now while it is still fresh, I am going to respect his memory as best I can.

Bread

I just ate a giant piece of a baguette and I had to chew it so much I could feel it in my temples. I've had this happen before, it's a very weird sensation. It almost feels as though, with each bite your temples are going into your head. In a strange way it makes me feel like a frog, if I knew what a frog felt like...

The Remote

The room is dark except for the glow coming off the tv. The “gentle” sound of breathing drowns out the sound of the horrible show I am being forced to watch. My eyes search around the room looking for any sign of the remote, but I know where it is. It is somewhere under the body sleeping beside me.

I gently poke and prod searching for a glimpse of my salvation, but still I find nothing. As the minutes pass I get closer and closer to the point of no return. The point where it is too late to see the show I want to watch. My choices are growing limited, either I finish watching this horribly fascinating late night time filler, or I sit in darkness. I’m not lazy, you see, I can only change the channel with the special and my beloved remote. The “clicker” which rests, (uncomfortably?) under my sleeping comrade.

It’s going off...grown men are crying.

NOT INTERESTED!!!

I usually screen all my calls. We rarely get phone calls and we usually expect the ones we get. When the phone rang this morning I thought it might be my friend, so instead of waiting for it to go to the machine to be sure, I picked it up.

Immediately the guy on the other line asked for someone who wasn’t me. I figured as soon as I said “Sorry wrong number” that would be the end of that conversation. I was sorely mistaken.
He went on to ask me if the address was, “Blah, blah, blah”, I said “No, not at all.”, and once again thought that was the end of it. But it wasn’t. He then went on to ask me if I was interested in...”No not interested, thanks.” This is when he became aggressive.

“But you haven’t even heard my offer.” He began to tell me his offer, it was for a newspaper, I know I don’t want a newspaper, so once again I said “Sorry I’m not interested.” He started getting frustrated with me saying, “Can you just listen to me? We’re trying to start up a route for the youth in your region, this would really help them out...blah, blah, blah.” Ok first of all, I already told him he had the wrong address, so he doesn’t even know what region he is calling, second of all I AM NOT INTERESTED!!! I tell him again, and say I have to go, he then starts desperately trying to convince me, telling me I’ll get coupons in the paper and such. Now the reason I haven’t hung up on this guy yet is because I realize that they are just doing their job, and occasionally I have to call people (not for sales, or anything, but they always think that’s why I’m calling at first), so I like to be polite.

This guy just wouldn’t let up so finally I just said “Sorry I have to go” and hung up on him while he was midsentence. What I don’t understand is why this guy kept me on the phone, I’m not going to change my mind, so really you are just wasting your time keeping me on the phone. I’ve done sales and you can tell when you have a chance, and when you don’t. I think I’m going to have to go back to not answering the phone.

Riverdud

I went to see Riverdance the other night. Now I have always been under the impression that Riverdance was just a bunch of people tap dancing in unison. I love tap dancing, and as a kid I wanted desperately to take tap, but was never allowed. I was very excited to see this, tapping my toes at my desk in the days leading up to it. One of my co-workers had seen it a few days before me and in retrospect she had tried to warn me that it wasn’t all tap, but I was just too excited.

As soon as it started I began to get nervous, but after a bit they started tapping and I settled in to enjoy it. The tap dancing was amazing!!! If only they stuck to tapping.

Now I understand that it is hard to tap for two straight hours, but I’m sure they could have come up with a better idea than what they did. To me Riverdance was like The Hobbit mixed with A Christmas Carol. Confused? So was I. One moment there were fairies dancing across the stage, and the next moment carollers came out with candles lit. Meanwhile in the background there was a cheesy video screen with images such as moons, trees and at one point a flame on the screen.

The worst part of the show was when a woman came out and started stomping around on the floor. The only comparison I can think of is when the people who live above me walk around their apartment with their shoes on. There was no real rhythm to her dancing, and when she wasn’t clomping around the stage, she was swooshing her dress around. And if once wasn’t enough, near the end of the show they had her come out again to torment us some more.
After the intermission a black man came out and started singing about being a slave. Immediately following that 2 black guys came out and starting doing “jazz tap” and ended up in a “tap down” with three folky type tappers. In the end they all made up and tapped off the stage together. Don’t get me wrong, it was great, but very staged.

Occasionally on the news, or in a talk show they will show you a scene from a play or musical. Riverdance felt like I was watching a series of these. One part didn’t seem connected to the next.

Overall the show felt professionally boring. You could tell that these people have been doing this for years, and there was no passion in their dancing. The attempt at a story to string the show together was both confusing and boring. I found myself very restless about halfway through, and barely made it to the end without pulling my hair out (I tried to nap, but with the occasional tapping, that was too difficult). I give Riverdance two toes down.

The USA and Iran

I find it interesting that some people want the USA to get involved with the election fiasco that has happened in Iran. Although it was 9 years ago, it doesn’t seem like that long ago when the US allowed George Bush to be sworn in as President when Al Gore won the election.

I have no problem with citizens speaking out against this, and protesting. What I do have a problem with is other countries thinking that they have the right to step in and “fix” the problems of other countries. I realize that there are some exceptions to this, but unfortunately we don’t seem to step in when those situations arise.

The way that I see it, if that happened in Canada, even if I was against what was happening, I would be angry and frustrated that we weren’t allowed to sort things out for ourselves. It may take time, it may be bumpy, lives may be lost, but it’s up to us to sort it out.

Perez again!!!!

I turned on the news this morning when I was still half asleep. Before I even had my eyes fully open they were talking about Perez Hilton AGAIN!!!


I wrote about this briefly yesterday, and what I still don’t understand is how this whining boy makes the news? Someone hit him? So? I can’t imagine this is the first time he’s been hit, and if it was, it was long overdue.


They showed a clip of a video he posted onine, and he just looks like a pathetic whiner. He should be ashamed that he is taking attention away from real news. Like Jon and Kate Gosselin getting divorced.

Top News Story This Morning...

Wondering what the big news story is this morning? Perez Hilton was allegedly beat up by Black Eyed Peas group member Wil. I am. So after he got “beat up” and called the police what did he do? He started twittering about it. Who does that? If you get beat up wouldn’t you call a friend or family member?

Oh and it gets better...I went to his website to see if he had posted anything about what had happened. The first thing I see when I get there is a GIANT ad for the Black Eyed Peas, and there isn’t just one of them. The entire site is covered with ads for them. His whole background is ads.

There is something wrong with this guy on so many levels.

.75%, 1.25% or 3%

.75%, 1.25% or 3%

These are the interest rate on the savings bonds this year.
I remember when I was a kid my dad had me put any excess money I had into savings bonds, and he always said “Never go below 5%.” I’ve moved most of my savings into other things, but I still have a couple of the savings bonds from when I took my dad’s advice. Just last year some of them matured and I only got about $75 for $400. That was with an interest rate of higher than 5%.

I can’t imagine putting my money into a bond that only gave me 1% interest. It wouldn’t even be worth my time to go in and sign the paper work. I’m wondering though, if there are some people out there who will still get these bonds. I guess it’s a given that some people would.
So how on earth do these banks and such get away with charging us ridiculous interest for any money we borrow? Or even better yet, they charge us for the ability to loan out our money and earn even more money.

Man am I in the wrong business.

Racing to the end.

Every day my shoulders get bumped and bashed around as I fight to get ahead of everyone else. I stare vacantly ahead, and people quickly scramble out of my way. I stare out like I am on a mission, like I can see nothing through my own tunnel vision. Little do they know that every step I take is calculated, every motion is planned. My timid apologizes are a cover for the rage inside of me for the misstep that was your fault. My body shudders with my anger because now I am one pace behind where I would have been. I now have to work harder to get ahead. I weave through the crowd like a string is pulling me through a maze. In my head I see it as a puzzle, shuffling quickly into the closing gaps. I move through the crowd in one fluid motion racing everyone else. Not letting myself take a break until I reach the end. I do this every day, twice a day, racing for a finish line that isn’t there.

The Me

Unfortunately the person I am, is the person I think people want me to be. I've been doing this for so long I'm not sure who I am or what I am supposed to be. I grew up being a chameleon. Changing my skin to fit into any situation.

People keep saying "Be yourself", "Don't worry about what other people say". But what if not being myself is really being myself. What if that is who I am, the person who adapts to the situation like she's pulling on a coat in the winter. Is there something wrong with this?

Don't we all sort of act like this? Don't you have a work person, a home person, a parent person, a friend person, and a spouse person? I've noticed that people change their voice depending on who they are talking to on the phone. It happens a lot, and isn't this changing who you are?

There are things I don't like about the person I am. I wish I didn't need approval from others as much as I do, and I'm working on it. It's hard for me to open up to people about who I am and how I feel. I hide things that I am and reasons why I have become this person. When I do share them, it is most often with someone I have little chance of having a lasting connection with, and immediately afterwards I am full of regret and remorse.

So if you think that I am not being myself, remember that maybe this is who I really am. I think the best way to say it is that I am how I feel.

Deflated

I feel deflated.

There is nothing left in me but a short breath.

In the nothingness I search for something...

Anything...

Desperate to feel...

To convince myself that the deadness isn’t a permanent feeling.

The voice in my head tells me that pain is the only way out.

Pain will make me feel again.

Pain will bring me comfort.