You are a bully. At first I thought that you just had tunnel vision. I thought that you were just one of those people who couldn’t see anyway other than their own. Now I see that there is more to you than that. You don’t sit and wait for trouble to come to you, you draw it in. You are a bully trying to pick fights with people who couldn’t care less about your existence.
I couldn’t believe that someone could be so ignorant and stubborn. You attack unprovoked, but I’m sure in your mind you justify it. You even treat your friends badly, insulting them but putting a :) on it to make it alright.
In short you are a bully, a tyrant, and most of all a fuck face.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
To the idiot who jumped...
To the idiot who jumped in front of the train this morning. You are an idiot, most likely a dead idiot now, but an idiot nonetheless. What were you thinking? Was it an accident? Or did you do that on purpose? Did you ever stop to think about all the people your choice would affect? You want to die go swallow some pills, don’t inconvenience the rest of us. Did you even think about the driver of the train? How they would feel after watching your body being destroyed in front of their eyes? What about the unfounded guilt they would feel, wondering if there was something they could have done to save you? The people stuck on that train. The unlucky ones who saw it happen on the platform? Those who had to scrape you up off the front of the train? Your family?
Of course you didn’t because after all, you are an idiot.
Of course you didn’t because after all, you are an idiot.
The Beginning
For most of life my heart and soul were covered in cement. Nothing got in or out. I never loved and I never felt love. I didn’t miss love because I never had it. Inside I was full of empty rage that without warning would send a quiver throughout my body. It was barely contained, like a hunger determined to be satisfied. I lived without fear, without consequence and without a care.
On the outside I acted the way people wanted me to. I was a chameleon, adapting to whomever I was around. Changing my emotions as others would change their shirt. Life was a constant battle, both internal and external. I could not let my guard could down; I was constantly on alert, ready for a fight, ready to hurt those who wanted to hurt me.
I believed that in everyone’s words and actions lay an alternate meaning, nothing was one sided, no one did anything just because. If they did something nice, it was because they wanted a favour, or they would throw it back in my face later when it was convenient for them.
The only thing I could feel was pain, so I had to hurt myself in order to feel something. And then you came along. For so many years I thought you were the same, I just assumed because that was the way people were. There was no other. Slowly I started to let you in, at first without realizing it, and when I did I began to push back. No one had ever stuck around that long, so it was bound to fail, right? I started to push harder, treating you badly, waiting for the day you would do what everyone does and leave. I didn’t care; you were just someone to have around. I convinced myself that like the others you were only a temporary phase in my life.
When it finally came to a head, something happened. Right then and there I changed, forever. You made it my choice, I could leave. It was never my choice, they always left me. Now you were asking if I wanted to leave, and I realized I didn’t. I will never forget what you said, because it was those words that saved me.
It wasn’t this moment that I knew I loved you, but looking back this is where it started.
On the outside I acted the way people wanted me to. I was a chameleon, adapting to whomever I was around. Changing my emotions as others would change their shirt. Life was a constant battle, both internal and external. I could not let my guard could down; I was constantly on alert, ready for a fight, ready to hurt those who wanted to hurt me.
I believed that in everyone’s words and actions lay an alternate meaning, nothing was one sided, no one did anything just because. If they did something nice, it was because they wanted a favour, or they would throw it back in my face later when it was convenient for them.
The only thing I could feel was pain, so I had to hurt myself in order to feel something. And then you came along. For so many years I thought you were the same, I just assumed because that was the way people were. There was no other. Slowly I started to let you in, at first without realizing it, and when I did I began to push back. No one had ever stuck around that long, so it was bound to fail, right? I started to push harder, treating you badly, waiting for the day you would do what everyone does and leave. I didn’t care; you were just someone to have around. I convinced myself that like the others you were only a temporary phase in my life.
When it finally came to a head, something happened. Right then and there I changed, forever. You made it my choice, I could leave. It was never my choice, they always left me. Now you were asking if I wanted to leave, and I realized I didn’t. I will never forget what you said, because it was those words that saved me.
It wasn’t this moment that I knew I loved you, but looking back this is where it started.
Who I am
You will never know who I am,
You will never be who I am,
You will never feel who I am,
You will never see who I am,
Because even I don’ t know.
You will never be who I am,
You will never feel who I am,
You will never see who I am,
Because even I don’ t know.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
What’s better than ice cream? Free ice cream!!!!
I finally got it today. I’ve been waiting and waiting and now it’s finally here! My $3 off coupon for ice cream!!! No strings attached, buy what you want get $3 off! Woo hoo! Mmmmm.... I love ice cream...
Before you get too excited this is a deal only available to beaver loving, hockey playing, Canucks. I know, I know, I’m cruel. But this was too good a deal not to write about!
I got this coupon last year too, and even though the items I bought were less than $3 the cashier gave me the whole amount off. Bonus! Maybe I can do the same this year too!
For those of you who are maple leaf loving Canadians the coupon is for Canada’s own Chapman’s ice cream. You can get this by emailing them at contactus@chapmans.ca . They send one coupon per household per year, and there is some guy in a little room who does this, so he will know if you ask for 2 in one year, so don’t get greedy! (You won’t get a reply; you will just get the coupon in 6 weeks or so).
Now I have to admit I didn’t just discover this by chance, it was posted on one of my favourite websites, redflagdeals.com.
Just don’t blame me if you get brain freeze...
Before you get too excited this is a deal only available to beaver loving, hockey playing, Canucks. I know, I know, I’m cruel. But this was too good a deal not to write about!
I got this coupon last year too, and even though the items I bought were less than $3 the cashier gave me the whole amount off. Bonus! Maybe I can do the same this year too!
For those of you who are maple leaf loving Canadians the coupon is for Canada’s own Chapman’s ice cream. You can get this by emailing them at contactus@chapmans.ca . They send one coupon per household per year, and there is some guy in a little room who does this, so he will know if you ask for 2 in one year, so don’t get greedy! (You won’t get a reply; you will just get the coupon in 6 weeks or so).
Now I have to admit I didn’t just discover this by chance, it was posted on one of my favourite websites, redflagdeals.com.
Just don’t blame me if you get brain freeze...
Saturday, April 25, 2009
I hate being sick
I have a cough that just won’t go away. Last Thursday I started to get a sore throat, by Monday it was really starting to hurt, and Tuesday I was full out sick as a dog. I feel better than I did, which translates to I no longer feel like death, but I still feel like crap. I know no one likes to be sick, but I hate it so much.
Sure it’s nice the first day to just stay in bed all day and feel sorry for yourself, but by the second and third day you have to start moving around again and do stuff, so being sick just slows you right down. It makes me feel so weak to be sick. I try to be one of those suck it up and just keep going, type of person, but sometimes your body just isn’t willing to cooperate. I HATE IT.
I hate the person I am when I’m sick too. I’m so whiny, and I just want everyone to feel bad for me. If anyone asks me to do anything I make a big deal of it, with a huge sigh. I disgust myself, and yet I love to wallow in it at the same time. At some point, my overactive imagination tells me that maybe this is it, maybe I have some horrible disease and wouldn’t everyone feel bad for not being nicer to me while I was sick.
If I wasn’t so weak I’d punch myself in the face.
Sure it’s nice the first day to just stay in bed all day and feel sorry for yourself, but by the second and third day you have to start moving around again and do stuff, so being sick just slows you right down. It makes me feel so weak to be sick. I try to be one of those suck it up and just keep going, type of person, but sometimes your body just isn’t willing to cooperate. I HATE IT.
I hate the person I am when I’m sick too. I’m so whiny, and I just want everyone to feel bad for me. If anyone asks me to do anything I make a big deal of it, with a huge sigh. I disgust myself, and yet I love to wallow in it at the same time. At some point, my overactive imagination tells me that maybe this is it, maybe I have some horrible disease and wouldn’t everyone feel bad for not being nicer to me while I was sick.
If I wasn’t so weak I’d punch myself in the face.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Lost in the subway
While I was selling tulips in the subway I had a lot of people come up and ask for directions. The only problem with this is that I don’t take the subway that often especially the second of the two lines that are there, so I wasn’t very helpful to some. But I tried. One woman I sent the wrong way and realized it as the train was pulling up so I had to run up and tell her my mistake before she got on.
Once I got comfortable giving directions I saw a man, who reminded me a lot of my dad, come up from the subway looking red faced. The set of stairs he came up from were facing the back of the station, and his back was to the trains. I saw the look of confusion on his face, as he paused for a moment with that, “what the hell”, look on his face. Slowly he looked around and finally realized that there were trains behind him, and off he went. I saw him walk off into the crowd, and in my head I wished him well.
About 10 minutes later I saw this man come back around, his face as red as a tomato, as he stood at the top of the stairs that he had come up from. He stepped back from them and just starred at the tracks facing him. I knew he was absolutely lost and had no idea where to go.
I thought of my dad, who would probably get a little turned around but would never ask anyone for help because he didn’t want to admit he couldn’t figure it out. I couldn’t stand it, and I walked up to him telling him I had seen him come up and asked him if I could help. He was very appreciative, and I was able to help him out no problem. He started to walk away but turned back, grabbed my hand, shaking it vigorously and thanked me enthusiastically.
I’ve been lost before and had to ask for directions...many many times in fact. I know how frustrating it can be to be in a strange place and not know where to go. I was glad I could help him. It made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Maybe more people should try it.
Once I got comfortable giving directions I saw a man, who reminded me a lot of my dad, come up from the subway looking red faced. The set of stairs he came up from were facing the back of the station, and his back was to the trains. I saw the look of confusion on his face, as he paused for a moment with that, “what the hell”, look on his face. Slowly he looked around and finally realized that there were trains behind him, and off he went. I saw him walk off into the crowd, and in my head I wished him well.
About 10 minutes later I saw this man come back around, his face as red as a tomato, as he stood at the top of the stairs that he had come up from. He stepped back from them and just starred at the tracks facing him. I knew he was absolutely lost and had no idea where to go.
I thought of my dad, who would probably get a little turned around but would never ask anyone for help because he didn’t want to admit he couldn’t figure it out. I couldn’t stand it, and I walked up to him telling him I had seen him come up and asked him if I could help. He was very appreciative, and I was able to help him out no problem. He started to walk away but turned back, grabbed my hand, shaking it vigorously and thanked me enthusiastically.
I’ve been lost before and had to ask for directions...many many times in fact. I know how frustrating it can be to be in a strange place and not know where to go. I was glad I could help him. It made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Maybe more people should try it.
My faith in humanity WAS restored...
I sold tulips this week for a charity in the busiest subway station in Toronto, during rush hour. I was really nervous because people on the subway are not the friendliest, especially after a long day at work. During rush hour it’s every person for themselves, and I didn’t think they would be very responsive to someone selling tulips in the subway, getting in their way.
I couldn’t have been more wrong! People were kind, generous and considerate. Many people who passed me gave me encouraging smiles and kind words. Those who stopped to buy were generous, often giving me more money than we were asking. I even had one young boy come up and ask me how much they were so he could bring some home to his mom. He didn’t have enough but I gave them to him anyway.
Many people also came up to just give donations because they are affected directly by the disease. I love having the chance to talk to people, and that’s why I love doing stuff like this. I find people open up to you more in these sorts of situations. I love hearing people’s stories.
This whole experience made me feel really good and it restored my faith in humanity. I was so worried people would be angry and spit on me. Instead they surprised me, and I felt good about the world again. Life was good...and then I read something...somewhere...about taking away people’s right to pee in private, and I lost it again. My faith in humanity is lukewarm now.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Tax Free Savings Account
New this year in the world of savings is the Tax Free Savings Account (TFSA), now to be honest I didn’t realize before they started talking about this account that you had to pay taxes on the money you earn in your savings. That’s the stupidest thing I’ve heard! I mean why should I have to pay for being responsible and saving money?!
The new TFSA isn’t great, but it certainly is a start. You can put $5000 each year into your TFSA, and if you don’t put in the whole $5000 then it carries over to the next year. For example if you put in $3000 this year, next year you can put in the normal $5000 plus the $2000 you didn’t put in for the year before for a total of $7000. And there is no time limit on this so say you only put in $4000 for the next 5 years but have more money in the fifth year you can put in $10,000.
I signed up for this pretty early so that I could get a pretty good interest rate (and I use that term loosely in this economic climate). I ended up getting my TFSA with an interest rate of 3.75%. Which, considering most banks are giving an interest rate of .01%, isn’t too bad!
Because I’m a little numbers obsessed and I have too much time on my hands I decided to make a spreadsheet to figure out how much money I would have in this account in 20 years, as well as how much of that would be earned on the interest.
So, in theory, if I was able to put $5000 a year in this account for the next 20 years I would have approximately $150,527.70, of which $50,527.69 would be the interest I have earned. Now this number isn’t exact because I’m not putting the $5000 in the bank on the first day of the year and my interest is done per month not per year, but still I figure this is close enough. I also doubt I will be able to afford to put away $5000 a year, but I’m sure going to give it a try!
On a side note, I was chatting with my boss about this, and she started telling me about how when she was about my age she had a savings account that had an interest rate of 20%!!! I couldn’t believe that! I started putting my money into bonds when I was really young and the highest interest rate I ever remember getting was like 6 or 7%. Made me realize very young though, that you have to have money to make money.
The new TFSA isn’t great, but it certainly is a start. You can put $5000 each year into your TFSA, and if you don’t put in the whole $5000 then it carries over to the next year. For example if you put in $3000 this year, next year you can put in the normal $5000 plus the $2000 you didn’t put in for the year before for a total of $7000. And there is no time limit on this so say you only put in $4000 for the next 5 years but have more money in the fifth year you can put in $10,000.
I signed up for this pretty early so that I could get a pretty good interest rate (and I use that term loosely in this economic climate). I ended up getting my TFSA with an interest rate of 3.75%. Which, considering most banks are giving an interest rate of .01%, isn’t too bad!
Because I’m a little numbers obsessed and I have too much time on my hands I decided to make a spreadsheet to figure out how much money I would have in this account in 20 years, as well as how much of that would be earned on the interest.
So, in theory, if I was able to put $5000 a year in this account for the next 20 years I would have approximately $150,527.70, of which $50,527.69 would be the interest I have earned. Now this number isn’t exact because I’m not putting the $5000 in the bank on the first day of the year and my interest is done per month not per year, but still I figure this is close enough. I also doubt I will be able to afford to put away $5000 a year, but I’m sure going to give it a try!
On a side note, I was chatting with my boss about this, and she started telling me about how when she was about my age she had a savings account that had an interest rate of 20%!!! I couldn’t believe that! I started putting my money into bonds when I was really young and the highest interest rate I ever remember getting was like 6 or 7%. Made me realize very young though, that you have to have money to make money.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Bored out of my mind
I am so bored out of my mind. I have stuff to do but I don’t want to do it anymore. I spent the morning being a good girl and getting stuff done. Now I just want to relax, but I can’t. Why can’t I? Because I am sitting here waiting, and waiting and waiting. I hate hate hate waiting. My roommate is supposed to be coming home today and her mom is driving her. She won’t tell me what time they are coming back and I know that as soon as they do I will have to go and help her bring in the groceries and then put them away. So I don’t want to start anything because I will never get a chance to finish it. AHHHHH it drives me insane. Why can’t she just tell me roughly what time. I really really want to stab myself in the eye with a fork right now.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
I love my cat!
I was just getting ready for bed and my cat started to cry. I’ve been away for two days and I knew she’d be sad so I tried to play with her earlier, but she wasn’t having it. But now she wanted to play, and I just can’t resist her cute little playful eyes.
She is just like a little kid when you play with her, she chases after me, and then we take turns hiding on each other, trying to scare each other. What I love the most is when I run and she follows close behind me and then brushes up against my leg. I don’t know why but it just melts my heart.
Awwww...I love her so much!
She is just like a little kid when you play with her, she chases after me, and then we take turns hiding on each other, trying to scare each other. What I love the most is when I run and she follows close behind me and then brushes up against my leg. I don’t know why but it just melts my heart.
Awwww...I love her so much!
Shut the baby up!
Dear neighbour,
Maybe your deaf, maybe you've become immune to the sound, maybe your bloated carcass is lying dead in your apartment right now...but for the love of god would you SHUT YOUR BABY UP!!!
He has been crying those ear blistering screeches for attention for the past half hour now, and I can't stand it anymore. Would you please pick the goddamn kid up or something. I don't care if you're taking the crap of your life, it's 10 o'clock at night (though I don't care what time it is), and no one wants to hear him!
Sincerely,
Your neighbor with a headache.
Maybe your deaf, maybe you've become immune to the sound, maybe your bloated carcass is lying dead in your apartment right now...but for the love of god would you SHUT YOUR BABY UP!!!
He has been crying those ear blistering screeches for attention for the past half hour now, and I can't stand it anymore. Would you please pick the goddamn kid up or something. I don't care if you're taking the crap of your life, it's 10 o'clock at night (though I don't care what time it is), and no one wants to hear him!
Sincerely,
Your neighbor with a headache.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Coupons!! And why I love them...
I love coupons, but what is even better than a coupon is a coupon AND a sale!! It’s all about the optimal savings! Yesterday I stopped at Shoppers Drug Mart and shaving cream was on sale for $1.99, and I just happened to have a coupon for $2.00 off. So I actually made a penny on the deal!!!
Just when I thought it couldn’t get any better I stopped at the grocery store on the way home from work and they had electric toothbrushes on sale for $18.99 (the regular price is $24.99), and I had a $5 off coupon so I actually saved $11!! (toothbrush was for my roommate, but since I found the sale and picked it up for her I’m claiming!!)
Just when I thought it couldn’t get any better I stopped at the grocery store on the way home from work and they had electric toothbrushes on sale for $18.99 (the regular price is $24.99), and I had a $5 off coupon so I actually saved $11!! (toothbrush was for my roommate, but since I found the sale and picked it up for her I’m claiming!!)
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