The Beginning

For most of life my heart and soul were covered in cement. Nothing got in or out. I never loved and I never felt love. I didn’t miss love because I never had it. Inside I was full of empty rage that without warning would send a quiver throughout my body. It was barely contained, like a hunger determined to be satisfied. I lived without fear, without consequence and without a care.

On the outside I acted the way people wanted me to. I was a chameleon, adapting to whomever I was around. Changing my emotions as others would change their shirt. Life was a constant battle, both internal and external. I could not let my guard could down; I was constantly on alert, ready for a fight, ready to hurt those who wanted to hurt me.

I believed that in everyone’s words and actions lay an alternate meaning, nothing was one sided, no one did anything just because. If they did something nice, it was because they wanted a favour, or they would throw it back in my face later when it was convenient for them.

The only thing I could feel was pain, so I had to hurt myself in order to feel something. And then you came along. For so many years I thought you were the same, I just assumed because that was the way people were. There was no other. Slowly I started to let you in, at first without realizing it, and when I did I began to push back. No one had ever stuck around that long, so it was bound to fail, right? I started to push harder, treating you badly, waiting for the day you would do what everyone does and leave. I didn’t care; you were just someone to have around. I convinced myself that like the others you were only a temporary phase in my life.

When it finally came to a head, something happened. Right then and there I changed, forever. You made it my choice, I could leave. It was never my choice, they always left me. Now you were asking if I wanted to leave, and I realized I didn’t. I will never forget what you said, because it was those words that saved me.

It wasn’t this moment that I knew I loved you, but looking back this is where it started.